I have finally conjured up the backbone to contact you regarding the lack of concern that you place on the health crisis that faces Americans today, and overall disregard for my personal struggles with chocolate in general. I believe the children who cry unmercifully when gazing at your phony grin at the mall have it right: you are an evil bastard, sent here to devastate the diets of people everywhere. True, you did not place the candy in my mouth in the morning, nor did you force me to consume myriad jelly beans throughout the day, but by simply placing sugary confections throughout our household, you have made it impossible to resist the siren song of these malevolent little treats.
Your basket of colorful eggs don't fool me.
A former fan